summer blues

Now that it's summertime, I see more kids around town. They're walking around downtown with boba in their hands, biking with their friends, and checking out the little boutiques like I used to. It makes me nostalgic to see teenage girls hanging out with their friends. Makes me remember my teenage days, when life was so simple. 

I think a part of growing up is learning more about the world. Obviously. They always say "ignorance is a bliss" and I really believe it's true. Because when you are young, you barely know anything. All you know is school, friends, your family, and extracurriculars. But once you start growing up, you realize the world is much more than that. 

You meet different people from other backgrounds, you go through hard life lessons, you go through mental health issues. You realize your parents weren't as perfect as you thought they were. You find out you're not as confident as you thought you were. You notice you need a skinnier waist, you need to travel, you need a boyfriend, you need to live in New York City to be "happy."

You notice all the issues in the world and you notice others' sufferings. You find out that your best friend wasn't really your best friend. You notice that the boy you were dating didn't even love you. You feel pain. You feel others' pain. 

And you also feel joy. Pure joy from things you didn't even know could make you happy. 

One can say that being a child is better but I like to believe being adult is 100x better. Because now, I can actually handle my own issues. I am more aware of the emotion I am feeling and I know how to manage it, how to destress. I can make plans with friends. I can drive to the grocery store or buy my favorite foods whenever I want. People listen to me and take me seriously because I now have an adult voice. 

I guess what I am saying is to look back once in a while and smile back at happy memories. Because you're never gonna go back, no matter how much you want to. Sadly, life only moves forward. I think it's okay to remember all the good things back then, but it becomes an issue when you dwell on it constantly. 

When I have trouble letting go of things I regret in the past or things that are so painful I can't stand to bear it, I tell myself that everything I've gone through makes up the whole me. That without any of my past hardships, I wouldn't be me. That helps me accept things from the past. 

Adult life is so hard ever since I graduated from college and I like to look back at my teenage years, because that was how old I was when I left to go to school. All my memories of my youth are still stuck here, like a glass jar with glimpses of my past. 

I pass by my old high school and I think about the times I used to walk to downtown with my friends after school. 

I pass by the old candy shop downtown and I think about when I used to buy Mexican candy there when I was 13. 

I walk my dog to the tree I used to climb, and my mom would tickle me when I hung on the branch, making me laugh so hard I had to fall. 

I look at all the old pictures I place all over my childhood room, with pictures of friends that I don't even talk to anymore. 

It's hard to move on from a life I used to have when I get thrown back here. It's like moving back to square one. All my memories flood back into my head, and it's difficult to make space for new ones. It almost feels like my life here is stagnant because my past holds me back from moving forward. 

I wonder what my old middle school classmates are up to. My old high school classmates. I wonder if everyone is having a splendid time. I wonder how to make a new life when it feels like I am stuck in my old life. How do you navigate an adult life when you've only known how to be a child your whole life? 

Anyways, wish me luck, guys. 

All the love, 

Karina