age

I've been thinking a lot about aging.

When I get out of the shower and wipe myself dry, I suddenly see a flash of future me in the mirror- my skin sagging against my bones, my body aching with every move, my eyes losing sight of purpose. 

I wonder, "how will I look when I am old?" or "what will I do everyday? Will my friends still be alive? Will my children be near? Will I still be able to do things I love?"

It's not the thought of looking elderly that scares me. But the root of aging. 

My fear of regret. 

I am truly afraid of regret. 

Regret that I wasn't able to accomplish everything I wanted in my youthful years. Regret from the mistakes that I have made in the past. Regret of not doing something I've always wanted to do. Regret from not becoming more friends with someone I truly liked. 

Regret eats me alive, especially when I am not content with my life or when I wish there was more I could do. Regret turns me into someone who isn't appreciative of myself, someone who criticizes me and beats down on me, telling me I could've done better or judges me for something I did in the past. 

Everyone tells me "You're so young, take advantage of it," or "live your life fully before you get old." I laugh it off and agree with them, but deep down I'm frantic because I have only lived twenty-three years of my life, how the heck am I supposed to know how to "live fully?"

I see elders everywhere I go, at the dim sum restaurant when I'm out with my family, at my local YMCA, downtown. I get scared when I get to their age, because all I've known in my life is how to be young. 

Because being old doesn't mean your entire body is malfunctioning. It means that your body is restraining you from being able to move forward, physically imprisoning you. 

I am afraid of sitting in my retirement home all alone, my children and grandchildren far away while I let my regret take over me. 

I am afraid of the life being sucked out of me, filling me with the discontent from my earlier years. 

I am afraid of losing my precious memories, the very experiences that made me into the person I am. 

I am afraid of looking back, because I can't look forward anymore, and seeing everything I have done wrong in my life. 

I am afraid of being alone, gradually fading away and slowly being forgotten. 

I've realized that my youth gives me power, goals, and the naiveness that hasn't tainted my energy quite yet. I have so many hobbies- so many that its hard to keep up with them because I get interested in so many things. I get interested because a part of me wants to please elderly Karina in the future, hoping she won't hate me. I want to please elderly Karina so bad that I try so many new things in my life just so she doesn't beat me up. 

Because the last thing I want to do is to die with an unfulfilled life. 

However, I can't live my life fully if I continue to do everything to please my future self. If I don't live my life for myself now, how am I going to be fulfilled when I am old?

I think the best thing to do in these situations is to really just live in the moment. I know it's easier said than done but I it's true. 

I need to think about what I want to do and not what elderly Karina wants me to do. I need to start thinking about now instead of the past or future. Because I really can't do anything in the past or future. 

I'm going to try live for me and hopefully I'll find joy within myself. 

Bucket list for 2025: 

- Travel alone or with friends 

- Meet as many new people as I can! 

- Learn how to play the piano or sing 

- Try surfing 

                                           Mia and I meeting for the first time in Minisoda 2025.