time-capsule

It feels funny going back to a place that holds so many memories. It's kind of like a time-capsule, where nothing changed but you feel like a completely different person. 

When I step out of the car after driving for an hour, I immediately smell tar from the oil rig that was placed in the middle of the Santa Barbara ocean, polluting the beaches with tar and muck. My hair frolicked with the ocean breeze and the sun basked my skin with warmth I can't feel in the Bay Area. It was mesmerizing, being back at a place where my heart soared. 

I grab my book and head towards the ocean, catching the last drop of the iconic sunset I got to see everyday during my college years. Laughter rings in my ear as I see a group of girls setting up for a sunset picnic by the beach, students riding bikes barefoot with surfboards in their arms, a girl journaling on a picnic table and a guy eating Panda Express as he admires the ocean. I smile. Because, man, what a time. 

I do miss living in Isla Vista. I walk the streets my friends and I have walked thousands of times on Friday nights, trying to sneak into frat ragers or random house parties. I laugh at the time where one of my best girlfriends popped a squat in the bushes when no restrooms were available in the middle of the night. I smile at the intersection of where my old dorm met the busy street, remembering when all my friends posed for a picture on Deltopia, one of UCSB's notorious holidays. 

I pass by the market where my friends and I would grab snacks and energy drinks before classes. I pass by my old house where I lived with my girlfriends. I pass by my boyfriend's old apartment complex, chuckling at the time I lugged by bike up the stairs all the way to his unit. 

I feel older somehow, even though I graduated only eight months ago. The college students that surround me look younger, because they are, still questioning their lives and future like I once had, unsure of which friends to be around and what their own values were. At least that's what I assume. 

"It's a new wave," said one of my close friends who still lives there. And I assume she means the new students, the fresh students, who still haven't gotten their chance to explore their college experience. 

I hate that my old house is occupied by new girls, the driveway occupied by new cars. I hate that my old dorm is still standing there when I am not there to have fun in it and I hate that the 7-eleven still at the corner, like nothing has changed when I left. I hate that all my friends have moved away and nothing will ever bring us back to the times when we were all neighbors. 

This feeling, a mix of nostalgia, sadness, heartache, longingness, stirs a cloudy emotion in me. I realized suddenly, that my time here has finally ended. It was time to move on, to a new chapter in my life, to new and bigger things. 

It's sad because it feels as if a piece of my soul has been ripped out of my chest and I feel like someone has knocked the air out of me. I feel crushed and disappointed, like when your first love rejects you. So you are forced to move on to someone else. I feel as if Santa Barbara told me my time here was done and I have to move on. 

Except, I don't want to let go of my past. The past that was filled with so much excitement, so much fun, so much laughter, and so many friends. I don't want to accept that I am maturing and getting older, because that means I see my friends less and less and I don't have as many opportunities to screw around like I used to. Apart of me is still attached to this part of my life, like I am trying to stop time from moving on. 

"You can't move forward if you can't let go of your past", says the same friend. It's so difficult to see that I have so many amazing memories ahead of me, so many new people to meet, so many new places to explore, so many adventures to experience, and so many laughs to share. Because I am only 22, it is so hard to see that there is more in my life because I have only lived such a short amount of time. Yes, it's nice to remember the good times from our memories but it becomes a problem once we dwell on them when we get sad. 

Santa Barbara will always have a special place in my heart and I will never forget all the infectious joy it brought me. No matter how old I get, no matter how life obstacles I overcome, I will always be able to come back to Isla Vista and remember the days when I was a young girl just starting her life.