the mind
The matcha I made in the morning is melting.
I watch the ice cubes melt into the drink, turning the once vibrant green liquid into a murky swamp. The condensation on the side of the glass rolls down, soaking my desk as I flick the water drop. The drink slowly loses flavor as time goes on, making it even harder for me to get up.
My matcha melting is a reminder that time is moving quick as I continue to tell myself to move. I start getting anxious because I haven't done anything yet, staring out my window of cloudy gray skies, wishing that the sun could lure me out of my dark cave.
But no matter how much I force myself to be "productive", to exercise, to work.... it's not nearly that simple.
A mind like mine can instantly rob you of your light, your willingness to live, your heart. It can rob you so greatly that you won't even remember your own name- or the sole purpose of your life.
This feeling, this curse is as if someone has placed bricks on my shoulders, wrapped chains on all my limbs, throwing me into the vast ocean to fight. I feel suffocated, confused, isolated and I don't know what to do.
"How about we read a nice book, Karina, you love to read," I tell myself. By this time, I've already given up for the day, and thrown myself back in bed to rot.
I close my eyes to muffle my thoughts.
"Oh, what about a painting, Karina, there's that landscape you saw on Pinterest that you said you wanted to paint," I say, coaxing myself.
I bury myself in my blankets, hysterical, hoping this will all go away.
Whatever tiny, little ounce of spark I felt when thinking about my favorite hobbies was crushed instantly, without a second thought.
Because when you are so lost in these agonizing emotions, it is almost impossible to snap out of it.
There is no fairy godmother to grant you your wish nor is there a prince charming coming to save you because this is reality and reality doesn't allow you to choose when you are waking up normal or when you are waking up in hell.
There's nothing I can do but sleep.
And I don't wake up until six months later.
I think what I've learned from my mental illnesses is to embrace it. The more I fight, the more I get frustrated, the more angry I become. There is nothing I can do to magically make it go away. There is no cure for it nor is there a genetic machine to extract part of my brain.
It's a nightmare being in this body as if I am a prisoner with a never-ending life sentence. But I've learned that I can use my condition like a superpower- being able to connect with strangers on a deep level, and being able to help the people around me with my emotional attunement. I can be more creative: making paintings I never knew I could do or editing YouTube videos that make me smile. I can use my highly imaginative brain to fantasize about new stories, new books, so I can write my own novel.
Being born with this brain isn't a curse if I don't let it be. Being born with this brain means I am always so curious about everything, wanting to try the next exciting activity or meet the most awesome people.
There are endless possibilities I can achieve with my mind.
It just sucks when I am not able to know when my next fall is.
I'm still figuring out, but for now, here are some things that have helped me so much with my mental health:
1. Yoga (I take classes at this studio called Crave Yoga in Mountain View and I ALWAYS leave feeling amazing. It energizes my body, makes me feel free as if I am floating.)
2. Friends (I talk with random strangers everywhere I go but I've realized that small talk with almost anymore lifts my mood. I want to reach out to more people in my life :)
3. Gratitude Journal (The first thing I do before waking up is to write a million things I am grateful for the day, the most exciting thing that's going to happen as well as things I am looking forward to in the future!)
4. Faith (Just to build a community and a supportive place!)
5. Hobbies (I can't stress this enough. Doing activities that make you feel ALIVE is something you need to do at least twice a week. For me, it's painting, reading, writing, editing, and journaling)
6. Exercise (Obviously. But I recommend having a lot of different exercises so you don't get bored of one.)
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